I never believed in the word depression, let alone postnatal depression, how could anyone possibly be depressed after having a baby I wondered?
I was 24 and happily married, we both very much wanted a family and I found out I was expecting my first child in July 1983. At ten weeks I started to miscarry, had a scan and was told there was no baby but a very rare form of pregnancy, known as a hydatidiform mole, otherwise known as a molar pregnancy.
Our second child was a beautiful baby girl who we named Poppy, she was born on 21st July 2011 and both Fiona and I felt overjoyed at being given a healthy boy and girl. We simply didn’t care whether she was a boy or a girl but on reflection we felt blessed that we now had one of each. The birth of our son Patric had been quite traumatic, as with a lot of births we suffered complications.
My daughter was born in April 2002.
I had a happy marriage, we had a lovely home and now we had a beautiful baby daughter. Life couldn't get any better. I had very high expectations of motherhood. I thought I would be a natural and an ever doting mother who would do absolutely anything for her child. And I was. For a while.
When I found out that my partner and I were pregnant I was overjoyed, we’d been trying to create this little human for 6 months and we were starting to think it just wasn’t meant to be, then along came the late cycle and low and behold there was the test with the lines on it – I was going to be a dad.
A Year in The Life of PND
At last labour's over, the baby's arrived
I hold her close, try to comfort her cries
I feel nothing inside, just worn out and tired
I glance at my husband, see tears in his eyes
Lying awake, trapped in my mind,
Each thought a bouncing ball.
One ball falls, another bounces up
Control them, I say.
The Year 2020: PND, Covid and Me
This has been, without a shadow of a doubt, the hardest year of my life. To briefly summarise: My husband and I moved house, bought our first home, discovered I was pregnant, I started a new job and he moved his business from London.